SHELTER FROM THE NORM

STOP THAT! It's not positive psych!

Cheerleader for Kids, Teens and using VIA

I listened to someone relate a delightful story this week about giving the VIA Character Strengths Survey to his nine year old daughter (kids version). He said it allowed his wife and he to focus on her strengths and not wonder (and nag!) about areas in her life which did not reflect her strengths (caveat: top 5 strengths are not cast in stone, you are perhaps more than the sum of the top five, but its a jumping off point). He was obviously delighted with how it opened his eyes to his daughter in a fresh manner and allowed him to appreciate her in new ways. I loved listening to him.

I was happy to hear this story because I am a huge proponent of using VIA (Values in Action) Survey for kids....and teens. Kids love feedback and especially in terms of what is right with them. Childhood and teenage years are a time of huge exploration of self and finding and defining one's place in the world. VIA is an extraordinary tool for this. Its worth is also defined by how it allows Mom and Dad to see their child in a positive light. Highlighted, outlined in neon: "hey, this is my kid, zestful, hopeful, has the ability to see both sides of a question, curious" perhaps might allow them to see an exciting personality instead of a potential ADHD diagnosis.

I double my enthusiasm for VIA for the teen years. The stereotype of "teens don't talk to parents" can be a self fulfilling prophecy giving us the teen we describe. Expect silence, and silence we get. However, they do talk - sometimes they don't stop talking. They text their precious words to friends and spend huge amounts of time on myspace accounts (and their parents aren't bloggin their words? of course they are!), but they still have plenty left over for Mom and Dad. The words may have to be teased out, or encouraged with insight and respect, but the words are there.

So, writers and parents and psychologists and therapists: please stop saying, "teens won't talk to their parents.". Try this instead: teens will talk about themselves IF given a reason. And talking about what is right with them while holding back on the criticism may be novel and at times difficult, but worth it. VIA works for teens as it does for anyone - "hey look at me! I am this, I am that!" "I always knew I was curious - that's why I ask so many questions, this shows it. " Validation is so critical for anyone, but especially for teens and especially from mom and dad.

PERSONAL TEEN STORY

My own then 16 year old took Marty Seligman's teleconference classes with me. I put Marty on speaker phone and Jamie listened. Like a sponge, he took it all in. Savoring, maximizing, heritability of optimism/pessimism, Aristotle, the good life - it all become a topic to be talked about. Positive psychology was a vehicle for introspection, for resilience when things got tough, a lens to view the world. Taking the VIA was the high point. He called his friends and they took it. They talked about their top strengths easily, casually, and with great interest.

He's 19 now and we communicate as much as ever. He calls, he yaks, he talks - girls, classes, friends, I hear it. Even, "Mom how are your finances?" (A divorce diminished them, he is most aware of this.) He exhibits care and concern. He can tell you the value of positive emotions and discuss Barbara Fredrisckson's broaden and build concept. We "savor" our time together, dining out, trips. We use that word as we learned it from Marty. He uses what he learned to create the life he wants, the person he wants to be. What a springboard!

I am evangelical about VIA for teens. It is the perfect vehicle for kids who want to know who they are and what is their place in the world. With the proper supervision (teachers trained to use it?) I see this as a extraordinary tool. We have a lot of teen depression in Palo Alto, it is on the upswing everywhere. This has to stop - we cannot destroy a generation of kids who see themselves as powerless at the fist dashed hopes. What good is a Stanford engineering degree if you cannot laugh and love?

End the Stereotype

Positive psychologists have to be the first to stop stereotyping teens; if not them, then who? We have the vehicle to do this - let's get VIA out there, and not, god forbid as I heard, change the way we look at the classics and reframe them. Rewriting history or literature isn't necessary. Revisionism isn't necessary, certainly not the answer. Generations of happy people have read topics of despair. Kids can separate a tragic hero from real life, what they shouldn't do is separate who they are from kinship bonds and they don't have to.

Take the VIA here. It's free and anonymous. Send it to a teen and give him a gift: show him his strengths and be there to talk about it. And listen.

Stumbling over Daniel Gilbert

Tripping Through the Electrons

In yesterday's blog post, I misunderstood Gilbert's comments, he then wrote to the blog; I think he misunderstood mine and I wrote back, he clarified in an email.

I'll try and clear it up without muddying the waters more. When he said in the CNN.com report on parenting, "It's easy to get caught up in the details, but you need to step back and realize how empty your life would be without these people in it.", I thought he was saying, "having kids is so much more rewarding than not having them, think about your life AS IF you never had them." No, he responded, he was saying, IF they lost the kids they have, they would have an empty life. Mea culpa, Daniel, for the misunderstanding.

When he takes the discussion to that, it moves into some of the work I do - working with Moms who have lost custody. True, the kids are still alive, but these moms have lost the child nevertheless. Sometimes they don't get to see the kids again. One mom I know of, (not a client) is a pediatrician in Houston and she is allowed four letters a year. Another mom, in Dallas, is alllowed three phone calls a week. They know how empty life is. This is not the time for a discussion of the chaotic legal system that makes Alice in Wonderland look like a piece of cake, this is just an agreement with Gilbert - yes, envisioning a loss is one way of keeping yourself sane in crazy parenting days.

Daniel Gilbert and Comparisons

Parenting by Comparison

In a CNN.com article about parenting, Daniel Gilbert of Harvard and author of Stumbling on Happiness is quoted: "You've signed on for a hard job -- it's not supposed to be fun most of the time," "It's easy to get caught up in the details, but you need to step back and realize how empty your life would be without these people in it."

This surprised me. Gilbert is known for his stance that we are very bad predictors of what might make us happy, i.e. perhaps we think the new house will increase our happiness, but it doesn't. Or the job or the Porsche turn out to be just more work and just another car.

But here he is predicting via a comparison statement, that people should be able to predict correctly their UNhappiness by imagining a life without children. (This he does in spite of the research on happiness which has found that people with kids are less happy than people without and of which he writes: "Our children give us many things, but an increase in our average daily happiness is probably not among them. Rather than deny that fact, we should celebrate it." - and I agree with his celebratory statement and the reason why completely. Read it yourself. Gilbert on children

Does he really think people without kids have empty lives? Or was this just a throwaway quote? I want to believe the latter. Surely he knows people without kids whose lives are very full. I do, and probably most of you do also.

Comparisons as A Way To Feel Better

I see I am ranting. Gilbert is great, I just feel compelled to speak up for those without kids who are happy. (full disclosure: I had 2 kids, eleven months apart. 19 years later, I had another one.) Let's look at the "comparison" method he uses. This is a very common technique people use (and are told to use) to feel better, more grateful, and to increase their sense of life satisfaction.

It goes like this: You say, "Oh, my arm hurts." In order to feel better, you are to say to yourself, "Yes, but I am grateful I have arms."

Does that sound stupid? Of course it does because I took this exercise to the extreme. Why should we feel gratitude for our health and wealth by doing downward comparisons? What do the ill and poor do? What does the one at the bottom of the barrel say to himself? "Gosh, been down so long it looks like up to me?" (actually, that might be a very good thing to say) People with medical problems are not here to make us feel better. People with 500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets are not really going to feel better for the long term if they have a gratitude moment before sleeping that they are not on J.C. Penney's percale.

This all smacks of entitlement with patronizing gratitude thrown in. It's fine to recognize all the good things you have, but one day, you may not have them. Poverty comes, illness comes. Life's a crap shoot. What then? I think it is far better to never have learned the downward comparison skill at all, because it smacks of phoniness to me.

It adds to a hierarchy of the haves and have nots. At every level. Forget the comparisons, we are all in this together - the young and old, the sick and healthy, the ones with kids and the ones without. How can we truly care for others if we use them as objects by which to measure us? We can't.

But let's not live a life without gratitude and awareness either. I like this outlook better: "I am grateful I currently have the time and skills to help someone who needs help." "I am grateful my mother left me money to sail for 6 months so I can appreciate nature, freedom, and what wealth can bring. I will teach that to others so they can enjoy it too. I want to start a microfunding program for others with built in time for vacation."

Yes, I am suggesting gratitude with built in action. I call it 'Gratitude with attitude'.

I will end with a gratitude statement to Gilbert. Thanks for your thoughts on religion and God, I am grateful you brought to me a reason why people believe that I had not thought of before, ie. the inconceivability of the watch made randomly. This is beautifully said: "Brains strive to provide the best view of things, but because the owners of those brains don’t know this, they are surprised when things seem to turn out for the best. To explain this surprising fact, people sometimes invoke an external source — a subliminal message in the laboratory, God in everyday life."

Should Good Deeds be Secret?

Reflections on Chris Peterson Lecture, Feb 6, 2007
Concept of Secret Good Deeds. inji-gyo "If you wish others to know about your good deeds, they are not truly good deeds...." Venerable Master Hua. Well, gosh darn, I truly disagree. This philosophy focuses on the giver not the receiver. This philosophy defines a good deed by the absence of its recognition as desired by the giver. Oh, hogwash. Chris Peterson says that humility is the character strength underlying this concept. So what? Humility is ok, but it's relationship to a good deed? I don't know. This universe needs more good deeds, why define them thusly? Maybe we have to define 'good deed' to see why I dislike this philosophical quibbling. I'll call it 'an act which decreases suffering.' Is it any less of a good deed if the do gooder keeps quiet? I don't think so. In fact, let's take a look at the other side: good deeds made public influence others to do the same, thereby increasing the chance more good deeds will be done - the concept of role modeling or the 100th monkey.

I understand that boasting and bragging and generally being obnoxious about doing good are really an annoyance and probably does some harm to those who have to listen. But there is a middle ground where good deeds are done, discussed, evaluated, improved upon, used as examples, and the do gooder is seen as a role model.

I want to know about surgeons flying to Mexico to operate for free, lawyers working pro bono to free the innocent. I want people to know that I spend a lot of time, no charge, helping some who cannot afford my fees to unravel their chaos and dramas, so they begin to live good lives. Why do I want them to know? Because I cannot do all the work myself, others need to be inspired, to see it can be done, and it can be good.

Yes, I understand that giving without recognition can be a gift to the recipient because they are then unburdened with feeling they have to repay. I do like that concept and applaud it. But it is only one form of good deed.

My favorite: pay it forward. Without a doubt this touches me. When sometimes someone says, "How can I repay you?" I answer, "pay it forward." (i.e. do something for someone who needs your help and tell them too, 'pay it forward', keeping the chain unbroken.) And me? Why do I do good? Because I know what it feels like to need help and see so many who could help, do nothing, and remember that one, who stepped forward, for whatever reason and held out a hand for me to grab. How can I not 'pay it forward?'

Let me sum this up with an equation. More good deeds = less suffering where good deeds is not constrained by definitions of 'tell no one'. If you add 'tell no one' to the definition of good deeds we have 'fewer good deeds = more suffering.'

So right now - go do something good. Tell or don't tell, as you choose. Bring a little joy, end some pain. And if you tell, do it as an inspiration, not a boast. And if you don't tell, it's ok too.

Religion and Happiness

I have a theory about why religious people test happier than others. Religious people usually go to church, attend various church activities, see the same people, make friends with like minded people, and talk about the same things. Church becomes a community, a bonding place, something to look forward to. What's not to like? It's a place where a higher power rules, the specifics of your religion are made crystal clear and clarity is easier than nonclarity in the moral sphere. People like being rewarded by a group for following the rules (or pretending to). You don't have to question morality or what is right and wrong: it comes commanded and demanded, all you have to do is agree with it.

Cynical? I think a lot would say so and maybe I am. It's easy to give to charity when you are told you have to, it's more authentic when you don't have to, but do it anyway. It's easy to turn to a book to back you up in everything from spanking your kid to what to eat. It's more work to understand and talk to your child and research food options. Leading a good life on your own terms, doing right and helping others, and being generous with what you have to give, is a splendid way to live from birth to death. I like the idea of doing it because it increases joy and decreases suffering and I don't believe there is a meaning to life; I believe there is only the meaning we give to life - a meaning we create by our actions and beliefs.

But for those that do it to please a higher power, or desire to go a place called Heaven in the hopes of avoiding a place called Hell, or "because the good book tells me to", well, if you have to do it for those reasons, then I guess its better than worshipping greed and evil.

However I see a lot of religious leaders that seem to fill the seats with an evangelical fervor for materialism that they ascribe to God, that I question. I really want to know, "Why does God want a Mercedes and a Porsche in my garage?" What do the Amish get? A new buggy? How about the blind? A new seeing eye dog? Why can't I get a Mercedes because I want one? And buy my neighbor the operation to restore his sight? That would make me very happy. I had a Shelby Cobra once and frankly, all else pales beside that except the ability to buy the end of suffering if it has a price tag, and increase joy.

Too Much Forgiveness

"You Have to Forgive"

No, I don't. One of the most illogical pieces of advice I hear everywhere is "Forgive not for the one who wronged you, but so that you can feel better."

This takes away the meaning of the word forgiveness and puts in its place, 'anxiety extinction technique' or 'emotionally calming methodology' or 'symptom reduction'.

Why should we forgive? To help ourself? No, we forgive because someone deserves a chance to be forgiven in order to be released from the guilt of the wrong they carry. It is a gift of freedom we give someone because we choose to do so. It is not so we can feel better.

If we want to feel better than we have to change our belief systems about how we are going to let the act of the other person impact us. Your spouse cheated on you repeatedly? Someone broke into your car and stole your camera? Your brother stole cash to buy drugs? Your wife was raped? Your son killed by a drunk driver? Your date stood you up? Your husband left the door open and the dog was killed after he ran out?

Of all the above, I think only the last is where I would forgive. Why should I forgive the thief? Better I should teach him not to steal. And if I want to feel better about my son killed by a drunk I should work for MADD, I do not have to forgive the drunk to feel better, rather I can work to prevent more deaths and feel his life was not lost in vain. Good deeds that make a difference are better than impotent forgiveness.

I prefer to free myself from the pain of others misdeeds by changing how I perceive them, not by mindless forgiving of those who do not deserve my forgiveness.

I recently forgave someone I met on craigslist who promised me some free patio furniture, then gave it to someone else. I was upset at his insensitivity and wrote "Ah, the ethics of craigslist. Couldn't you have kept your promise?" He responsed full of remorse and genuine concern for his act, took full responsibility, and then offered me some other furniture. I wrote back and said, "All is forgiven, your mea culpa accepted, thanks for the other offer, but I'll pass." And he responded, "Our paths may never cross again, but I will remember what I learned from you about ethics and keeping your word." I wish my paths crossed with the likes of him more often.

I meet a lot of women who tell me they forgive their ex husbands for taking their homes, cheating on them, lying, stealing, etc because, "I need to let go of the past."

Jeezus! yes, perhaps you do need to let go of the past, but you don't have to forgive to do so. Maybe, "letting go" itself is pathological at times IF it means we have to 'forgive' to do so. Are we that incompetent of finding a more rational manner of moving on?

And consider this: revenge is sweet........according to the Science section of New York Times it is hardwired into us to calm us, and keep societal norms on the straight and narrow.

Can't we just admit the world has some bastards in it who don't deserve to be forgiven and save our forgivness for those that deserve it?

I think so.

Happy People Are..

Resilient
Most people bounce back from adversity. The longer in the past, the less important the event. We cope, deal with, and we move on. Resliency hints: If you want to be happier, do something with bad events: use them to effect change - many social and cultural changes have come about because people or groups who were agents of change did something to change laws or norms. Think civil rights and voting. One way to become more resilient is to learn that bad events are part of life, and to learn acceptance is to learn transcendence. The events exist, but you do not put them on your shoulders and carry them everywhere. You let them flow through you, around and above. You recognize them, but do not own them. One way to learn acceptance is to be able to reframe events.

Reframe Events
This is so easy for me I was astonished to find it was difficult for others. This may be where some begin to think positive psychology becomes pollyannaish. Reframing events - or looking at them from a different perspective - is an enormous buffer against depression. Lost the job? Didn't you hate it anyway? Isn't now the time to use the skills developed web designing on the side to begin life as a web designer? (Fill in the specifics for you.) Can't do that because you need money right away? Find a part time unexciting job and keep a journal every night and in 10 days you have an ebook: The Truth Behind the Counter: 10 Life Lessons from A Fast Food Franchise. Last summer I was consulting for someone trying to produce a reality show about happiness. I told her if she didn't make it, she had a book called How I Tried to Make America Happier. But what about something really awful? Like losing custody of a child in a bitter divorce battle? Or losing a spouse to a drunk driver?

Let's try using those examples. I sometimes work with people who have lost custody because they were dealing with spouses who are pathological liars and greedy, lazy lawyers. This caused them to became emotional in an arena where emotion is seen as weakness. Some parents give up parenting. Some hide and do not come out to see the light of day. Others take this event and use it as a catalyst for change. Some learn the law inside and out, go back to school and become lawyers. They go back for modification of custody when they know how to do it better than the original lawyer. Some use the time to change careers, spend more time making money, and hire a better lawyer. Some find the situation is just fine. And everyone who makes it through this heartbreaking time learns they didn't do anything wrong, that life is unfair, that family court does not protect the best interests of the child and they have more strength and less naivete then before and use this wisdom in many ways. The wisest parents learn to change their patterns of parenting to fit the situation and find out there can be a lot of benefits in being the part time parent. A deep bond can be forged with a child you play with more than you discipline. Times for talking and sharing may be shorter but more intense. It calls upon deep core strengths of compassion for the child at a time when parents most need compassion for themselves, and being able to identify what needs to be done in a world turned upside down.

Most of all it means learning how to feel good about yourself when you least feel like it. I honor happy non custodial parents and the lessons I have learned from them.

Losing a beloved spouse is full of pain. The event cannot be reframed, but lessons on how to rise above the depression can be learned. We'll come back to that.

Let's take one more example of everyday events and how to reframe. A client came to me upset that a class she had spent thousands on was "Something I could do better in my sleep." Perhaps you can guess the outcome - I encouraged her to build a better mousetrap. She reframed the bad event into a money making venture that helped others and built upon her strengths.

The value of reframing can't be overlooked. It speaks of possibilites, a future orientation, improvement, help for others, self esteem, healing, and realizing there is always another way to look at a situation and how you do so is under your control.

Is the Universe Friendly?

Albert Einstein said the most important question we can ask is "Is the universe friendly?" He never gave an answer to that question, but since he thought it was the most important one to ask, let's put it there, and look at it every now and then.

People want to be happier. No matter the research says we are fairly happy, (and it does), people want to be happier. Positive psychology has to be used by real people in real time with real issues, and I want to address that in this blog in various ways - how to use positive psychology in different situations, different variables.

COSMETIC SURGERY
I learned last week (from Chris Peterson, Univ of Michigan) that preliminary research indicates that people who have cosmetic surgery might be happier. I'm not surprised by this finding. When you think you look better, you interact more, smile more, are more responsive to people and your environment, and this is pleasing to people. They respond, interactions occur, and you become more outgoing, develop more positive emotions because more are being directed at you. You are bonding, belonging to a wider circle of people. All because of perky breasts or a few less wrinkles? Absolutely. (full disclosure: no work here, but I have nothing against it.)

HAPPY DIVORCED MEN
Ed Diener (University of Illinois) looked at what made people UNhappy. For males, losing a job made them unhappy and this feeling stayed, in some manner with them, no matter if they got a better job. They were forever changed.

For women, it was divorce. Not all of course, but many. Women also initiate most divorces. So why are they unhappy? I suspect it's economics, loss of control, children. If the women have stable finances and the children, they are ok. However divorce is an economic disaster for many women, they are no longer able to parent the same, and they feel helpless.

Are divorced men happier? Not at first, but after a while, yes.

HAPPY PEOPLE: Who are they?
Happy people are extraverted, optimistic, have a sense they control their lives, and have self-esteem. They are everywhere; some places more than others, but the above traits are descriptive of happy people no matter where you find them. Dare we ask: Do they see the universe as friendly?