"You Have to Forgive"
No, I don't. One of the most illogical pieces of advice I hear everywhere is "Forgive not for the one who wronged you, but so that you can feel better."
This takes away the meaning of the word forgiveness and puts in its place, 'anxiety extinction technique' or 'emotionally calming methodology' or 'symptom reduction'.
Why should we forgive? To help ourself? No, we forgive because someone deserves a chance to be forgiven in order to be released from the guilt of the wrong they carry. It is a gift of freedom we give someone because we choose to do so. It is not so we can feel better.
If we want to feel better than we have to change our belief systems about how we are going to let the act of the other person impact us. Your spouse cheated on you repeatedly? Someone broke into your car and stole your camera? Your brother stole cash to buy drugs? Your wife was raped? Your son killed by a drunk driver? Your date stood you up? Your husband left the door open and the dog was killed after he ran out?
Of all the above, I think only the last is where I would forgive. Why should I forgive the thief? Better I should teach him not to steal. And if I want to feel better about my son killed by a drunk I should work for MADD, I do not have to forgive the drunk to feel better, rather I can work to prevent more deaths and feel his life was not lost in vain. Good deeds that make a difference are better than impotent forgiveness.
I prefer to free myself from the pain of others misdeeds by changing how I perceive them, not by mindless forgiving of those who do not deserve my forgiveness.
I recently forgave someone I met on craigslist who promised me some free patio furniture, then gave it to someone else. I was upset at his insensitivity and wrote "Ah, the ethics of craigslist. Couldn't you have kept your promise?" He responsed full of remorse and genuine concern for his act, took full responsibility, and then offered me some other furniture. I wrote back and said, "All is forgiven, your mea culpa accepted, thanks for the other offer, but I'll pass." And he responded, "Our paths may never cross again, but I will remember what I learned from you about ethics and keeping your word." I wish my paths crossed with the likes of him more often.
I meet a lot of women who tell me they forgive their ex husbands for taking their homes, cheating on them, lying, stealing, etc because, "I need to let go of the past."
Jeezus! yes, perhaps you do need to let go of the past, but you don't have to forgive to do so. Maybe, "letting go" itself is pathological at times IF it means we have to 'forgive' to do so. Are we that incompetent of finding a more rational manner of moving on?
And consider this: revenge is sweet........according to the Science section of New York Times it is hardwired into us to calm us, and keep societal norms on the straight and narrow.
Can't we just admit the world has some bastards in it who don't deserve to be forgiven and save our forgivness for those that deserve it?
I think so.
