SHELTER FROM THE NORM

My Life: Versions One and Two

TELL ME YOUR STORY

We all have a story.

Mine is this:  Mom and Dad gave me away when I was a baby and I never saw them again.  I did not go to a happy home. It was a big house and  we had lots of money.   Dad was a doctor and Mom was the doctor's wife who gave lavish dinner parties.   I had summers in Europe.  I married a guy from Penn law,  we moved to Vermont, he became a drug dealer and I grabbed the kids and ran to the west coast.  No child support and I worked several jobs to support them as I put myself through graduate school at Stanford.  I worked in the computer industry and then married again and had another child.  We divorced and he stole my inheritance, left us with no money for food and took up with a prostitute and spent child support on her,  defrauded me and the IRS and took me to the Court of Appeals where he lost.

That's the bad news story.

I also have this story.  As a child I got an amazing education at a Quaker school, then at Penn, Goddard, Antioch and Stanford.  I met interesting people all the time.  I've written books, published in academic journals, founded a non-profit, lectured at Stanford, worked as an editor, had some amazing relationships, have wonderful friends, a sense of adventure and curiosity  and fall in love with the world and all its lessons over and over.  My work brings people to me from all over the world and I admire and respect them  for their courage and strength.  I study happiness and call it to my heart so I can live without complaints on the things that matter.   I am grateful for the messiness of life and embrace it.

"....yes I said yes I will Yes." - Molly Bloom, Ulysses

-  yes to choices, intuition, kids, ourselves, to give permission for something,  to make mistakes, to be a failure and to be a success.  Yes, to speaking my mind, having voice and giving it to others. Yes,  I will do this, yes, there are risks, yes, I am a risk taker, yes I will go forth yes I will be hurt, yes I will be loved for the same things I am hated for.  Yes, I am.

No's are for special occasions: "No, I am not a  doormat. No, you may not abuse me, steal from me and lie about me." Yes, I mean that.

Happy People Waiting for the iPhone

I want everyone to get connected. Remember when those pessimists told us the internet would make us lonely? I knew that wasn't true. And now, you can have your own TV show in minutes. Live. This is power. Control of a situation, a way to be heard. Use it. Change the world one TV show at a time. Don't worry what people think of you.

Here are happy people connecting. Sign up, use your webcam and let the world know what you have to say. This is voice. This is oversight. Remember the Zimbardo post? This Sunday The New York Times had an article on publicity bringing down the unethical prosecutor in the Duke case. This is oversight and publicity at its best.

The tech is here. Get off your list-serves where you preach to the choir and preach to the ones who need to know. Actually, no preaching...learn how to be liked..and then they will listen.

(here's a little history of the Palo Alto Apple Store - it may be the ipod store to many, but it is where Jerry Garcia used to teach guitar and borrowed instruments. I think the music gods must live there.. "More and more, the band began borrowing their instruments from Swain's House of Music. Pauline Swain, who still works in the music store at 451 University Ave., says she and her husband, Robert, lent instruments to the band "because we liked to help young musicians." Sometimes the band would practice in the store. Other times, they would take the instruments up to La Honda, where they would hang out with Kesey and his Merry Pranksters. More often than not, "when the instruments were returned, they came back looking like they had been in a pig pen," says Swain, making reference to McKernan's nickname."
Swain, who keeps a file of newspaper clippings on the Dead, also remembers when Garcia asked her secretary how to spell "grateful." He didn't know if the word was "greatful" or "grateful."

"All my secretary could say was, 'Jerry, with a name like that, you'll never go anywhere.'" (from online source)

Gratitude from Around the World; I Am So Grateful

My hard drive is failing - causing me to back up, delete, move, organize and reread many items on my computer. I use gmail but a lot of my online presence still has another email address. I have been sorting through and rereading these emails from people who have visited my website, www.narcissisticabuse.com

If you are the victim of a controller and manipulator, this site will enthrall, engage, teach, open up doors and be the turning point, the tipping point. It will change your life. And more, so much more. That's what you told me and to each and every one of you who chose to write, either for a consultation or just to talk, I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am grateful, so very grateful that you did.

The site is also endlessly boring if you have no need for it. Those people don't write, of course, any more than I write to sites that praise the art of knitting or explain in detail how to paint a classic car. I don't need them but so what - I am glad they are there for those who do.

Gratitude is used in positive psychology often. Maybe even seen by some as the cornerstone - if you are full of gratitude, you will be happier. I don't doubt it. I trust that being truly grateful for many things is better than being miserable about just as many. I am certainly happier for the knowledge that I can flip a switch and go into grateful mode, and engage it often. Gratitude journals though aren't for me. And being grateful by comparison ('I am grateful I have food while others starve') is really not me. I don't like comparisons - if you haven't got the common sense to see and know a home is better than a street corner, I think we haven't taught you very well in life so far.

Gratitude is above the comparison mode. It is recognition of change in yourself brought on not by circumstance but by intent.

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." Albert Schweitzer

Thank you - from Zimbabwe to United Arab Emirates, to Paris and Egypt and Canada, and the U.S, and all those from places I didn't mention - thank you for lighting the flame within me with your words. I am so very grateful and my only regret is not sharing a meal or a drink with all of you in friendship and companionship. We share the electrons and oh how grateful I am for that.

Engines of Change: Actually Using Positive Psychology

It hasn't escaped my notice that this blog title has often had little to do with the posts. I should be ambitious like that wonderfully ambitious woman blogging about using all the tricks of positive psychology.

Here's a shortcut to using positive psychology in divorce. Do it.

My hat's off to the billionaire couple that went to the Beverly Hills Hotel and sat down with legal pads and a bottle of wine and divided the goods. No lawyers! Apparently it was her idea, he liked it. Your jet, my jet, my villa, your villa. The ways of the wealthy are oh so different.

The more I deal with people in divorce and learn about the dirty tricks of spouses and infinitely worse tricks or laziness of the attorneys, the more I want to say: reframe. Here goes: the marriage is bad, let's have a good divorce.

It may be impossible if your are being cheated or abused or if you lawyered up with one of the greedy lazy ones, but try.

Taking control back from the legal system before you get too deeply in is a very good thing to do. Right now I am working with a woman who has spent over 200,000 in 10 months on Silicon Valley bottom fishers. I have heard all the names, the stories, and know the players.

She may be too traumatized by her very abusive spouse to do much positive psychology, and that's a shame. Her emotions are running the show and she is very forgetful. But the calmer she can get, the better the result with both lawyers and the ex. Even if it is only to build a better legal team, outside the sewer of family law.

Money and Happiness

The people know: money is important. Researchers aren't so sure. They can only tell us, "Under $25K or 40k, (depending on where you live) people want and need more money. Above that no more money makes a difference."

But that isn't true. We see it all the time. People with lots and lots of money can do a lot of things. These things bring moments of happiness. String them together like christmas lights and you end up with a happy life.

But, you may ask, what about all those with money who aren't happy? They exist.

The Lyrics of My Life

We all have a story. Mine is this: Mom and Dad gave me away when I was a baby and I never saw them again. I did not go to a happy home. It was a big house, we had lots of money and all the goodies it bought. Dad taught at Penn Med and Mom was the doctor's wife who gave lavish dinner parties. I had summers in Europe. I married a guy from Penn Law, we moved to Vermont, he became a drug dealer and I grabbed the kids and ran to the west coast. No child support and I worked several jobs to support them as I put myself through graduate school at Stanford. I worked in the computer industry and then married again and had another child. We divorced and he stole my inheritance, left us with no money for food and took up with a prostitute and spent child support on her, defrauded me and the IRS and took me to the Court of Appeals where he lost.

That's the bad news story.

I also have this story. As a child I got an amazing education at a Quaker school, then at Penn, Goddard, Antioch and Stanford. I've written books, published in academic journals, founded a non-profit, lectured at Stanford, worked as an editor, had some amazing relationships, have wonderful friends, a sense of adventure and curiousity and fall in love with the world and all its lessons over and over. My work brings people to me from all over the world and I admire and respect them for their courage and strength. I study happiness and call it to my heart so I can live with dignity. I am grateful for the messiness of life and embrace it.

"....yes I said yes I will Yes." - Molly Bloom, Ulysses

Religion and Happiness

I have a theory about why religious people test happier than others. Religious people usually go to church, attend various church activities, see the same people, make friends with like minded people, and talk about the same things. Church becomes a community, a bonding place, something to look forward to. What's not to like? It's a place where a higher power rules, the specifics of your religion are made crystal clear and clarity is easier than nonclarity in the moral sphere. People like being rewarded by a group for following the rules (or pretending to). You don't have to question morality or what is right and wrong: it comes commanded and demanded, all you have to do is agree with it.

Cynical? I think a lot would say so and maybe I am. It's easy to give to charity when you are told you have to, it's more authentic when you don't have to, but do it anyway. It's easy to turn to a book to back you up in everything from spanking your kid to what to eat. It's more work to understand and talk to your child and research food options. Leading a good life on your own terms, doing right and helping others, and being generous with what you have to give, is a splendid way to live from birth to death. I like the idea of doing it because it increases joy and decreases suffering and I don't believe there is a meaning to life; I believe there is only the meaning we give to life - a meaning we create by our actions and beliefs.

But for those that do it to please a higher power, or desire to go a place called Heaven in the hopes of avoiding a place called Hell, or "because the good book tells me to", well, if you have to do it for those reasons, then I guess its better than worshipping greed and evil.

However I see a lot of religious leaders that seem to fill the seats with an evangelical fervor for materialism that they ascribe to God, that I question. I really want to know, "Why does God want a Mercedes and a Porsche in my garage?" What do the Amish get? A new buggy? How about the blind? A new seeing eye dog? Why can't I get a Mercedes because I want one? And buy my neighbor the operation to restore his sight? That would make me very happy. I had a Shelby Cobra once and frankly, all else pales beside that except the ability to buy the end of suffering if it has a price tag, and increase joy.